addict. oral sex. flyover states. pain. love.

after eight chocolate dark chocolate mints, they've got NO dairy product.
i'm interested in discipline.
there are things i like to deny myself.
being a vegan is about control, but not about controlling myself.
i make that choice for the illusion that i am controlling the world. that i'm controlling the amount of suffering in it.
it's more like a prayer or a wish.
but it's not about discipline.
still, discipline is a byproduct of being a vegan.
you think about what you put in your mouth. your choices are limited. fucking whey, how many otherwise dairy free products are ruined by whey? and the eggwash at the bakery.
etc.
you do this for years and you break to some degree or another that thing we have with food. that emmotional hunger that eating covers up for us. or smoking. or drinking. of fucking.
i never said i wasn't an addict.
i just said i've mostly broken with food. outside of natural hunger, the kind that reminds you your body need nutrients to stay alive, it's not go that much control on me.
still, these moments of weakness.
after eight dark chocolate mints. what i do, i buy a package from time to time. and then because it is a protein thing, what i do, i make little peanut butter sandwhiches with them as a reward after i work out. eight mints, four scoops of peanut butter, one perfect after workout snack.
only what happens, every time i do that, i feel funny in my heart. god's truth, all slowed down. like the peanut butter is literally in my blood. only when i eat peanut butter on an apple or something, that doesn't happen. so it's the chocolate and the peanut butter. god's truth, every fucking time, it feels like i've been poisoned. i get slow and light headed ten minutes after eating. maybe this is some kind of allergy.
but how stupid am i? how disciplined?
the next day, after the workout, like today, i look at the box, and i just want.
i just want the dark chocolate mints with peanut butter.
this want, it's next to need.
just like the girl you shouldn't fuck again. you know how it's going to go. but your imagination fails you. you tell yourself, it can't be that bad.
hunger.
the thing about pain, whether it is physical or regret based or guilt based or whatever, you never remember how bad it is unless you're in the moment.
like those mints you shouldn't eat. that girl you should sleep with.
god, i can't wait until this box is gone. i have to eat them all. i can't just throw them out. but when they're gone, i'll not buy another. won't have to feel like this again.
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the problem with oral sex is that we treat it as some kind of favor. it's like this thing that if we're lucky, if the girl feels like indulging us, we might get it done. otherwise, outside of that context, sex is all about devouring. mutual desire. what of hers i put in my mouth i don't just do becuase it feels good to her. i do that because it is an act of intimacy. but as guys, this one thing, it's like something we are supposed to be thankful for. there are such girls that treat it as a treat from their side of the event as well. rare and wonderful girl. who goes down just because she can't help it. i remember a woman, not such a long time ago, but in a life that feels different than the one i'm leading now, who acted that way but would follow up with the comment: i love doing that, such an fun way to show i care.
show me you care in other ways. i'd rather see your hunger now, thank you.

(it reminds me, do you remember that story i told you some long time ago, about knead and need? the most hate email i've gotten off the blog, incidentaly. but i mantain, it's a poignant and important story).
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a friend of mine, she's just started reading this blog, and she gave me the best description of it.
it's kind of a anti-personal, she said.
yes, i like that.
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speaking of starving (and yes we were if you read between the lines), i wonder wonder what that is like. that kind of hunger. i wonder if that girl they'll turn the machines off on will feel it in anyway. she'll die of thirst, of course, and rather quickly, but i wonder if she'll be aware of it somewhere.
i hope not a lot.
the neccessity of pain in this world.
the way you'd just wander into a fire if it didn't hurt.
the way you'd just never drink if you didn't feel the pain of thirst.
the sharp things we'd not keep away from.
what's wrong with the world is that it is a world that requires pain.
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and on tv, there is the story of all these people, 40,000 a year who seem to go under, who are perfectly still, but fully conscious.
they don't even blink.
they certainly don't speak.
they seem ideally bound with the anesthetic.
but they are full conscious. and the doctors begin to cut. watch those discovey channel operations. doctors are rough. pulling things apart. treating the body like it is dead already.
you'd never want to see your own operation.
and these people, 40,000 a year, they feel it, from beginning to end.
that kind of torture.
now i'm scared to death. what if some day i have to have an operation? what if i don't go under but they think i have?
oh. oh. oh.
what if that happens to somebody i love
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we could all love everybody.
if the world lasted long enough.
while the monkies typed shakespeare.
we could.