stay a little longer

lightning strikes.
phone's out.
guy at the gym spots me though i never asked him to. i feel about it the way i do at the public urinal. people should just mind their own business. i don't want to feel your hands suddenly beneath my elbows, thank you very much. what i'm doing here, it's personal.
and hunter s thompson is dead, and somehow, in the world in which i find myself living, this is not huge news.
even for many of the people of my generation, that name rings only a distant bell. and some of them even saw the second movie.
read the hun's eulogy.
she'd never herself call it that.
and the thunder and the rain.
i know that cat is around because the food i leave, it's always gone.
we feed the living the dead.
there's a lot to remember. there's a lot to forget. i'm going to clean my house. i'm going to wait for the phone to work again.
if you wonder about suicide, what you should do is a hold a table lamp beside your head in a very dark room. only, the light should be on so it's not that dark. yet. you should hold the bulb fairly close and you should put your finger against the on/off button. the trigger.

go method now.

this is a gun. this is your personal endofdays. the armaggeden you were always promised. your ability to percieve, that about to end. get in that frame of mind. trigger. gun. trigger. gun. finger. trigger. gun.

push.
(or as my father always tried to teach me, squeeze. squeeze the trigger.)
hear the click. embrace the black.

(and the next time you bathe, sink yourself under. keep saying: what's one more second. no matter how it hurts. stay a little longer. in that other world beneath the water. in that bleary eyes worlf of muted echoes. push it. no matter how it hurts.
stay a little longer.
s, she tells me there is euphoria in drowning.
i think in every kind of death that is not sudden we must find that stage.)